I took the day off work for wellness, to focus on myself and continue this recent trend of thoughtful introspection. Not wallowing; deliberation on what I really want.

$DEITY willing, this is my mid-life crisis. But it might be my 2/3-life crisis, or 7/8, or more.

In the past couple of posts, I’ve focused on what I want to do, what I want my life to be like, what I’d like to work on. I’d like to focus now on what I don’t want my life to be like.

I don’t want my wife or son to resent, dislike, fear, or hate me. I don’t want to hurt them. I want to set them up for success as much as possible, and to limit the maximum amount of harm that they can experience. I don’t want to depend on them.

I don’t want to live in fear, either from political forces, financial troubles, health troubles, relationship issues, etc.

I don’t want to die alone.

I don’t want to die with more significant regrets. I already have regrets. Massive regrets. I have not lived my life the way I would have liked. That’s not to say my life has gone poorly; I’ve been granted immense good fortune at every turn. My behavior has been poor. My self-regulation has been poor. At nearly every junction, large or small, I’ve made a suboptimal choice.

I don’t want my death to be a burden. I don’t want to leave unpaid bills. I don’t want to leave uncertainty.

I don’t want to leave a mess. I don’t want people to go through my things and think “God, what is all this junk?” or “Aww, that’s cute, he wanted to get into $HOBBY but never got around to it” or “Uh-huh, The Art of Computer Programming, never opened.” I don’t want to leave behind things that I bought but never used.

I don’t want to be bored. Just another guy on the couch, doomscrolling.

I don’t want to be fat. I don’t like it. I don’t want to breath heavily when I go up the stairs. I don’t want to struggle to get in and out of cars.

I don’t want to be crippled by rheumatoid arthritis. I don’t want to let it imprison or defeat me. I don’t want to let it hold me immobile. I don’t want it to take what freedom of movement I have.

I have to face the fact that I only have one life, and it’s nearing its end. My wife only has one life. I want her to enjoy it. My son only has one life. I want him to live well. The best thing I can do for my wife is enjoy being with her, and make her enjoy being with me. The best thing I can do for my son is show him how to live well.